BDSM and meditation are more connected than you’d think

An article by Jess Joho

March Mindfulness is Mashable’s series that examines the intersection of meditation practice and technology. Because even in the time of coronavirus, March doesn’t have to be madness.


Whips, handcuffs, blindfolds, ropes, flogging, spanking. These probably aren’t the kind of activities you associate with meditation and mindfulness, let alone spirituality. 

But if you ask those who practice consensual BDSM (meaning bondage/discipline, dominance/submission and sadism/masochism) — along with the researchers who study it and mindful sex — a connection between these seemingly disparate practices actually makes a lot of sense.

Though in its nascent stages, BDSM research is finding similarities between BDSM and mindfulness and other forms of meditation, especially in the context of heightened awareness and relaxing altered states of mind. Evidence is starting to support what many practitioners already innately knew: BDSM can be powerfully meditative, with positive psychological effects that go far beyond just sexual satisfaction. 

To the uninitiated, it’s easy to discount BDSM as salacious, or even deranged and dangerous. Thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey, the general public’s perception of BDSM tends to be ill-informed, reductive, and unhealthy — worlds apart from the reality of a community that embeds enthusiastic consent, trust, and safety into practices that often involve intense but controlled pain. 

Early psychoanalysts like Sigmund Freud categorized BDSM as nothing short of a mental illness. But modern research reveals again and again that recreational BDSM practitioners are, psychologically speaking, pretty much the same as those who don’t practice it. If anything, one study found them to have comparatively lower levels of disorders (like depression, anxiety, PTSD, psychological sadism, masochism, borderline pathology, paranoia) and another suggested they were less neurotic and sensitive to rejection, more open to new experiences and conscientiousness. They also rated their own overall well-being higher than non-practitioners.

The more we study the connection between BDSM, mindfulness, other types of meditation, and pain, the clearer the benefits of BDSM become, particularly when it comes to stress and anxiety. Potentially, it can even be a transcendental and spiritual experience for some. 

While the overall BDSM community isn’t tied to any religious ideology, the practice does share an important commonality with some spiritual meditation traditions that involve pain. Both embrace the idea of accepting pain, or even finding peace and pleasure in surrendering to it. 

Don’t yuck someone’s ohmmm

Cara Dunkley, a clinical psychologist from the Sexual Health Laboratory at the University of British Columbia (UBC), is part of a group that has spent decades researching mindfulness-based meditation training as a treatment for various sexual difficulties, from chronic pain with sex to traumatic tiggers and low libido. 

“Mindfulness at its core is the ability to focus, sustain, and shift attention. And that is why it has real benefits with improving mood, depression, anxiety, pain, sexual functioning, all of that,” she said.

Mindful sex specifically can help you shift your attention away from negative thoughts, memories, physical sensations, and painful stimuli through accepting it without reacting to it, so you can then refocus on pleasure instead. General mindfulness-based training has become an increasingly accepted treatment for managing various types of chronic pain. But one UBC study found that teaching patients to apply mindfulness to sex helped with their chronic vaginal pain.

Few groups understand how to turn pain into pleasure better than BDSM practitioners. So Dunkley started researching how they do it, positing multiple theories on the most important facts at play. In 2020, she published the first study ever into whether BDSM actually helps foster mindfulness. The results (though limited in sample size) were promising, showing that the group which practiced BDSM did indeed score higher on most traits associated with everyday mindfulness (which means bringing present-moment awareness to ordinary tasks, like eating, rather than during formal seated meditation).

“Mindfulness is comprised of about five skills: observing, describing, acting with awareness, non-judgment, and non-reactivity to your inner experience. Each of those can have useful applications to BDSM,” she said. 

In the BDSM community, the term Bottom describes the person fulfilling a submissive role, who’s on the receiving end of commands and masochistic activities. Conversely, Tops are the ones who role play as dominants in a BDSM scene, doling out the painful stimulation and commands. 

For both roles, exercising the tenets of mindfulness can be crucial for having a positive and safe experience.

“The mindfulness method of observing refers to the ability to attend to internal and external experiences, like sensations, emotions, thoughts. Bottoms must be very aware of their own internal experiences and emotional states in their moment-to-moment response during a BDSM activity, and to physical sensations, because they need to differentiate between safe pain and pain that could be indicative of real harm,” said Dunkley. “Similarly, Tops must be externally attentive to the emotional and physical responses of the Bottom through very controlled focus, and consciously adjusting their actions accordingly to keep it pleasurable.”

But the link between BDSM, meditation, and pain doesn’t end there. While Dunkley’s research focused on mindfulness as it’s commonly used in western scientific research, others have found evidence that there’s a transcendental or even spiritual appeal to BDSM too, just like there is in other forms of meditation. There are many types of meditation, but only a small sliver, such as mindfulness, have been tested in lab settings (and even then researchers are still calling for more study on various health benefits). 

“There are a variety of reasons people do BDSM,” said Brad Sagarin, a professor of social psychology at Northern Illinois University who also leads The Science of BDSM research group. Some go to BDSM for just your standard sexual arousal. But others seek it out for the sheer thrill and excitement, deeper connections to partners, and even stress release. “Some even pursue BDSM primarily for spiritual reasons. In particular, our research team looked into the altered states of consciousness that BDSM activities can facilitate in both Bottoms and Tops.”

Their study found that both roles can experience unique states of mind during BDSM. Bottoms in particular describe entering a headspace that sounds a lot like what many longtime, spirituality-based meditators experience.

“Colloquially known as subspace, this altered state that Bottoms can achieve during BDSM scenes is described as a pleasurable kind of flying, floating feeling, where they lose the distinction between the self and other people, between the self and the universe, this general sense of peace and oneness,” said Sagarin. Meanwhile, those in topspace (or domspace) can enter what’s known as “flow,” or “a state of deep absorption or extreme focus when performing an activity optimally.” It’s basically the scientific label for what high-level athletes and creatives call being “in the zone.”

For those who’ve never experienced the euphoric peace of subspace or deep connection that can occur between BDSM partners, this might all still sound like a stretch. But throughout much of history and across many cultures, spiritual rituals involving extreme pain (some of which are identical to common BDSM activities) have been used for the express purpose of oneness with a higher power or universal force.

Flagellation (or floggings and beatings, self-inflicted or otherwise) was an accepted practice among medieval Christians for purification, punishment, and redemption. A paper on “sacred pain” describes a ritual called Kutharatheeb, practiced in certain coastal regions of India, where participants are pierced with nails, knives, and sharpened rods to become “heightened into mystical ecstasy… becoming unconscious of their body fully concentrated on making of their soul attached with God.” Sagarin himself observed similarities between sadomasochistic relationships to pain in the psychological and physiological effects of extreme rituals like fire walking and body piercing.

Certain religious practices and philosophies grounded in meditation also intentionally confront pain and suffering. Famously, Buddhist monks who meditate in freezing wintry Tibetan mountains while wearing ice-soaked wrappings were able to raise their own body temperatures.

The meditative brain on BDSM

“What pain can do is focus people on the here and now, put somebody essentially in the present moment, so they’re not necessarily thinking about a deadline that’s coming up next week or any other responsibilities. So it may be that, in a paradoxical way, a normally negative experience of pain can actually in a context of trust and positivity turn into something pleasurable or beneficial,” said Sagarin.

It’s not unlike how meditation lets you escape from the onslaught of day-to-day stresses by enabling you to let go of who you are, what you need to do, and instead just exist as a body in the present moment. While BDSM adds pain to the picture to achieve present moment awareness, it is welcome and intentional pain. That’s a notable difference from the mindfulness-based therapies used for managing chronic pain, since those patients aren’t electing or in control of when or how they experience that pain. Still, both involve developing the skill of noticing, accepting, then letting go of the negative emotions we typically associate with pain.

More research is needed before we can definitively say how Bottoms achieve the floaty, peaceful feeling of subspace. But, “a few different areas of the brain indicate a tie between it and mindfulness,” said Dunkley. 

The most substantiated theory points to what happens in the brain during a runner’s high, the use of hallucinogenic drugs, and deep meditation. The hypothesis is basically that, when you’re doing a cognitively demanding activity (like pushing through the pain of long-distance running), other parts of the brain that are less important to it shut down. 

“So BDSM scenes involving pain might increase the need for additional blood flow to more critical areas of the brain. That results in blood being directed away from areas of the brain in less high demand, like the part that’s basically in charge of selfhood. So it can suspend self-related thoughts and emotions, potentially producing these alterations in consciousness,” said Dunkley. 

If the part of the brain that’s responsible for the executive functioning we need to complete everyday tasks shuts down during BDSM, then it makes sense that Bottoms describe subspace as a pleasurable loss of time, reality, inhibition. It also aligns with another theory believed to explain all the cognitive benefits people get from submissive BDSM roleplay: Simply put, it gives you a break from the burdens of being a person for a little while.

“BDSM can give Bottoms a temporary relief from the stresses of selfhood. Descriptions of it sound like just a wonderful escape from, you know, the kind of higher-level processing that we do all the time as people,” said Sagarin. “The fact that somebody is a top executive or a mother, all the different roles that weigh a person with a lot of responsibilities… These temporary reliefs can actually potentially lead to better functioning at other times.”

While the connection between BDSM and meditation is clearest with subspace, topspace still engages different aspects of mindfulness and spiritual rituals.

“Tops really need to keep their wits and abilities about them, so that they can make sure what they’re doing is being done with appropriate care and safety,” said Sagarin. 

Yet the flow state that was evident in the ritual body piercers and Tops in topspace observed by Sagarin still require being very present in the moment. Just think of whenever you’re at peak performance while performing an activity you’ve mastered, whether that’s a video game or your job or creative passion. Everything else in the world fades away, so all that’s left is you and the task at hand.

“Evidence suggests this complimentary topspace is a mental state involving challenge and the utilization of skills, intense concentration, altered sense of time, loss of self-consciousness. And it can be achieved by Tops during BDSM scenes requiring intense mental focus or concentration. Bottom’s might experience a bit of it as well, but as a result of, for example, intense rhythmic pain sensations,” said Dunkley.

Both parties are “mastering” pain through these states that exist outside the normal circumstances of everyday life, but they’re doing it in very different ways. One does it by reaching a headspace that allows them to give in completely, and thus experience physical suffering as depersonalized or even pleasurable. The other enters a headspace by being so hyper-focused on helping the other navigate that experience of pain. 

Despite appearances, Tops aren’t actually “conquering” a Bottom, either, since the Bottom is always in charge and can immediately end the activity with a safe word. Instead, Tops are conquering the unique challenge of being the Bottom’s guide through pain as pleasure.

Pain without pleasure

To be clear, there are a myriad of other aspects to BDSM with less correlation to mindfulness and meditation that also likely contribute to reaching these pleasurable states.

“Prior to the experience of pain in BDSM, there’s a pre-existing condition involving emotional and interpersonal relationships, a sense of control and volition, memories of past experiences, likely positive ones with that partner or activity, and a sense of security,” said Dunkley. “The many factors around BDSM that come together — a positive emotional and interpersonal context, a possible change in neuro-chemistry from sexual arousal that releases dopamine and oxytocin, positive anticipation of pain rather than negative anticipation —itmay all be what leads to these altered states of consciousness or mindfulness, which then impacts the extent to which pain is perceived as pleasurable.”

Regardless of how it’s achieved, though, the takeaway here is that people find avenues for achieving transcendence and inner peace in very different ways. Spiritual fulfillment is everywhere, and can take shapes that may seem strange to you personally. So who are we to judge a method like BDSM or ritual body piercing, when BDSM practitioners report many of the same cognitive benefits that meditators get, like stress reduction, improvement in mood, and pain relief.

At the same time, it’s important to exercise caution and really consider what it takes to responsibly participate in pain as a vehicle for stress relief or spiritual ascendence. Both Sagarin and Dunkley agreed that — without the context of consent, strict negotiation of boundaries, and other safety protocols — the activities of BDSM can look like self-harm or even torture. In particular, people who self-harm through cutting describe similar types of psychological relief and escape from negative emotions through pain, though no psychologist would ever recommend doing it.

There are important differences, between self-harm and consensual BDSM, namely the motivations and after-effects of doing them.

“Unlike non-suicidal self-injury, people engage in BDSM when they’re in positive mood states and feel good about themselves after too. So somebody engaging in BDSM as a recreational leisure activity is more akin to, like, blowing off steam at the gym or going for a jog, rather than doing it to regulate severe negative emotional states. Recreational sado-masochism is almost like a deep tissue massage, where it’s kind of painful but still feels good and relaxing,” said Dunkley.

In proper BDSM protocol, there’s a step called “aftercare,” where partners who participated in a scene together check in on one another emotionally, often with cuddling and hugging, talking about how it made them feel, if they’re OK now, whether they liked everything that happened, what they didn’t like — or any other emotions that came up. In contrast, people who seek relief from self-harm often report feeling negative about themselves and what they’ve done.

Still, the stakes are high when you mix stress relief, spirituality, and pleasure with intentional pain. It’s likely no coincidence, then, that these activities — whether in spiritual traditions or BDSM — are often very grounded in strong communities with strict rules.

There are a lot of important questions that remain unanswered when it comes to BDSM’s connection to mindfulness, and meditation’s relationship to pain in general. 

But what’s clear is that you can find mediative peace anywhere: whether sitting cross-legged in the wintry Himalayan mountains, drinking coffee in your office chair between meetings, or hanging from bondage ropes on the ceiling of a BDSM dungeon.

Original article found at: https://mashable.com/article/bdsm-mindful-sex-meditation-spirituality/

The Newest Addition!

I am happy to announce the addition of the Nova SN-b violet wand kit to my dungeon! I referred to my old wand as a mini wand because it was a high-frequency wand unit (not a true violet wand) and did not have the power of a real violet wand.

I chose the Nova SN-b because of its comparable power to the traditional/mechanical wands and for its ability to work in any position and direction. As many of you know, I climb around, crawl around, and work from all sorts of crazy directions while in session, so I needed a wand that would allow me to do that without shutting off in midway through. If you look at the violet wand comparison charts below you can see that the Nova SN-b operates at 48kv, only 2 kv under most of the traditional/mechanical style wands (those are the coil type wands that can be positionally challenged). The only one more powerful than those on the list(s) is the Mjolnir Pulse Prime at 65kv.

I have been a busy bee making and adding evil conductive items to use in indirect and reverse technique with the violet wand. Some of those little creations are pictured in the kit here and some are not.
These are many, but not all, of the conductive items I already had prior to purchasing the violet wand. More items are coming soon or on their way now! These can all be used via various techniques with the violet wand.

If you are into electro play, branding, electro cbt or just electro teasing now I have an entirely new application for many of the items I already own. If you would like to experience the new violet wand, schedule a session with me! I promise it will be an electrifying experience!*

***Note that this type of electro play is not recommended for those with heart conditions, pacemakers or other electrical devices or implants such as an insulin pump, etc. It is also not recommended for those that suffer from seizures.

What Does a BDSM Dominant Look Like?

Close-up shot of black fetish corset lacing

People just love to make assumptions! Yet many times when we do we are very, very wrong. This can be especially true if you are making assumptions about a person based solely upon their career. That is hardly a good gauge of one’s true self, preferences, tastes, character, or sexuality, especially these days! Doctors can have different bedside manners, tattoo artists often have different hand pressure from one to the next, grocery store checkout people have different interaction skills and personalities, etc. The important thing is to choose someone who offers you what you are seeking. Perhaps you want a doctor in good standing with the medical board but who also has a sense of humor, or a light-handed tattoo artist practicing proper equipment cleaning procedures, or a friendly checkout person who can actually count back your change. None of these preferences can be determined simply by knowing a person is a doctor, tattoo artist or checkout person. Those specifics are determined by the person’s own unique personality, work ethic, and character, not by the job itself.

Picture from the Netflix original series Bonded

This same idea applies to the BDSM dominant. Each and every dominant was once a child with their own unique personality. Once a dominant, all of these people don’t assimilate into an army of clones. They remain unique individuals with their own unique fetish preferences and personal preferences. They merely share some traits relating to dominant behavior. Due to their differences, however, each dominant is going to have a unique style. Having said that, there are still some basics that set responsible dominants apart from the wannabees and those just trying to turn a quick buck or trick you into a bad situation. The article I am sharing below is about just that! Enjoy!

A Trans Hotline is Available!

As much as I loathe the word, “folks,” I feel this article is important to share, despite the backwoods language. (Them there words like “folks” is unedumacated yammerins!) People or persons would have sufficed. : / Anyway, here is the article.

America’s First Transgender Suicide Hotline Is Live

Jesse Mechanic, ContributorWriter. Founding Editor of TheOvergrown.com

12/22/2017 10:34 am ET Updated Dec 27, 2017

The National Transgender Discrimination Survey (NTDS) completed by the National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, found that 41 percent of trans individuals surveyed had attempted suicide—the general population number at the time was 1.6 percent. A study by the Williams Institute analyzing the NTDS report found that suicide attempt rates were even higher for those between the ages of 18-24 (45 percent), those with a multiracial background (54 percent), those who are American Indian or native Alaskans (56 percent), those without a full high school education (48-49 percent), and those with an annual household income less than $10k (54 percent). The study also found the suicide attempt rate was higher among those who disclosed to everyone that they were trans or gender non-conforming (50 percent).

These numbers are catastrophically high; the disparity is simply devastating. While we certainly need to do everything we can to become a more accepting society, we also need more resources for the trans community right now. Thankfully, the transgender community has its own suicide hotline courtesy of Trans Lifeline.

US: (877) 565-8860 CANADA: (877) 330-6366

The line is staffed by transgender people and is entirely dedicated to the trans community.

It’s open every day for 18 hours:

Pacific time: 8am to 2am

Mountain time: 9 a.m. to 3 a.m.

Central time: 10 a.m. to 4 a.m.

Eastern time: 11 a.m. to 5 a.m.

Resources like these are vital.

While society has certainly evolved in terms of how we treat the LGBTQ+ community overall, the transgender community is still stigmatized and demonized all over the country and the world. This is why, as the aforementioned stats bear out, being publicly trans or gender non-conforming can be even more isolating than hiding. Imagine identifying with a gender that doesn’t align with your physical form, imagine reckoning with that realization in a society that can be judgmental, crude, hateful and helplessly stitched to binary ideas of gender. And then imagine somehow, in spite of it all, summoning the bravery to be yourself. This is something we should celebrate, not castigate.

Unfortunately, pleas for empathy and acceptance will not shift society overnight, so the trans community needs organizations like Trans Lifeline. Hopefully, this is one in the first in a new wave of resources aimed at helping trans folks.

Correction: It was originally reported that Trans Lifeline is a new service, but they have been in operation since 2014.

Previously published on The Overgrown.

*This article was found here.

More BDSM Psychology

The article shared below can also be found HERE.

The Surprising Psychology of BDSM

Who does it, what do they do, and how does it affect them?

Posted Feb 05, 2015

By Brad Sagarin, Ph.D., guest contributor

 “A pervert is anybody kinkier than you are.” (Wiseman, 1996, p. 23).

The novel Fifty Shades of Grey introduced BDSM into polite public discourse. Since its publication, hallowed papers such as The New York Times have published articles on bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Harvard University now hosts a student group for undergraduates interested in consensual S&M. And Cosmo’s sex tips have taken a distinctly kinky turn.

With the Fifty Shades movie now coming to theaters, it seems like a good time to take stock of what we know, scientifically, about BDSM: Who does this stuff? What do they do? And what effects do these activities have on the people who do them?

VGstockstudio/Shutterstock

1. How many people are into S&M?

According to researchers, the number likely falls somewhere between 2 percent and 62 percent. That’s right: Somewhere between 2 percent and 62 percent. A pollster who published numbers like that should be looking for a new job. But when you’re asking people about their sex habits, the wording of the question makes all the difference.

On the low end, Juliet Richters and colleagues (2008) asked a large sample of Australians whether they had “been involved in B&D or S&M” in the past 12 months. Only 1.3 percent of women and 2.2 percent of men said yes.

On the high end, Christian Joyal and colleagues (2015) asked over 1,500 women and men about their sexual fantasies. 64.6 percent of women and 53.3 percent of men reported fantasies about being dominated sexually—and 46.7 percent of women and 59.6 percent of men reported fantasies about dominating someone sexually. Overall, we can probably conclude that a substantial minority of women and men do fantasize about or engage in BDSM.

2. Are they sick?

For Freud, the answer was a clear yes: Anyone interested in S&M was in need of treatment—treatment that, by fine coincidence, he and his contemporaries were qualified to provide.

But recent research tells a different story.

Pamela Connolly compared BDSM practitioners to published norms on 10 psychological disorders. Compared to the normative samples, BDSM practitioners had lower levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), psychological sadism, psychological masochism, borderline pathology, and paranoia. (They showed equal levels of obsessive-compulsive disorder and higher levels of dissociation and narcissism.)

Similarly, Andreas Wismeijer and Marcel van Assen compared BDSM practitioners to non-BDSM-practitioners on major personality traits. Their results showed that in comparison to non-practitioners, BDSM practitioners exhibited higher levels of extraversion, conscientiousness, openness to experience, and subjective well-being. Practitioners also showed lower levels of neuroticism and rejection sensitivity. The one negative trait that emerged? BDSM practitioners showed lower levels of agreeableness than non-practitioners.

This is not to say that everyone into sadism or masochism is doing so for psychologically healthy reasons. The latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) still includes Sexual Sadism Disorder and Sexual Masochism Disorder as potential diagnoses. But a diagnosis now requires the interest or activities to cause “clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning” (or to be done with a non-consenting partner). BDSM between consenting adults that “does not cause the participants distress” no longer qualifies.

3. What do they do?

Both researchers and practitioners (Wiseman, 1996) have developed categories of BDSM activities. For example, Alison and colleagues have categories for physical restriction (bondage, handcuffs, chains); administration of pain (spanking, caning, putting clothespins on the skin); humiliation (gags, verbal humiliation); and a category related to sexual behavior.

4. What effect does BDSM have on the people who do it?

This is one of the central questions my research team has been investigating. In a BDSM scene, the person who is bound, receiving stimulation and/or following orders is called the bottom. The person providing the stimulation, orders or structure is called the top. We measured a range of physiological and psychological variables in bottoms and tops before and after their scenes.

Both bottoms and tops reported increases in relationship closeness and decreases in psychological stress from before to after their scenes, but bottoms also showed increases in physiological stress as measured by the hormone cortisol. We found this disconnect between psychological stress and physiological stress to be very interesting, and we wondered whether it might indicate that bottoms have entered an altered state of consciousness.

To test this theory, we ran a study in which we randomly assigned switches (BDSM practitioners who sometimes take on the top role and sometimes take on the bottom role) to be the top or the bottom in a scene. The results revealed that both bottoms and tops entered altered states of consciousness, but they entered different altered states.

Bottoms entered an altered state called “transient hypofrontality”, which is associated with reductions in pain, feelings of floating, feelings of peacefulness, feelings of living in the here and now and time distortions. Tops, in contrast, entered the altered state known as “flow” (Csikszentmihalyi, 1991), which is associated with focused attention, a loss of self-consciousness and optimal performance of a task. We believe that these pleasurable altered states of consciousness might be one of the motivations that people have for engaging in BDSM activities.

Resources

  • Human sexuality journals such as Archives of Sexual Behavior and the Journal of Sex Research
  • Organizations such as the Kinsey Institute, the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS) and the Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexuality (CARAS)
  • Web sites such as www.scienceofbdsm.com (my own site)
  • Advocacy organizations such as the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)
  • Community organizations such as the Society of Janus and the Arizona Power Exchange
  • Books such as Jay Wiseman’s SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
  • … Or you could simply Google “BDSM” and see what comes up, but I wouldn’t try it at work.

Brad Sagarin, Ph.D., is a Professor of Psychology at Northern Illinois University. He teaches courses on evolutionary psychology, attitude change and statistics. His research interests include social influence, resistance to persuasion, deception, jealousy, and infidelity, human sexuality and research methods.

References

Alison, L., Santtila, P., Sandnabba, N. K., & Nordling, N. (2001). Sadomasochistically-oriented behavior: Diversity in practice and meaning. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 30, 1–12. Ambler, J. K., Lee, E. M., Klement, K., R., Loewald, T., Comber, E., Hanson, S. A., Cutler, B., Cutler, N. & Sagarin, B. J. (under review). Sadomasochism as a path to altered states of consciousness. Connolly, P. H. (2006). Psychological functioning of bondage/domination/sado-masochism (BDSM) practitioners. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 18, 79-120. Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1991). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper Collins. Dietrich, A. (2003). Functional neuroanatomy of altered states of consciousness: The transient hypofrontality hypothesis. Consciousness and Cognition, 12, 231-256. Joyal, C. C., Cossette, A., & Lapierre, V. (2015). What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12, 328-340. Moser, C., & Levitt, E. E. (1987). An exploratory-descriptive study of a sadomasochistically oriented sample. Journal of Sex Research, 23, 322–337. Richters, J., de Visser, R. O., Rissel, C. E., Grulich, A. E., & Smith, A. M. A. (2008). Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5, 1660-1668. Sagarin, B. J., Cutler, B., Cutler, N., Lawler-Sagarin, K. A., & Matuszewich, L. (2009). Hormonal changes and couple bonding in consensual sadomasochistic activity. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38, 186-200. Wiseman, J. (1996). SM 101: A realistic introduction. San Francisco: Greenery Press. Wismeijer, A. A. J. & van Assen, M. A. L. M. (2013). Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10, 1943-1952.

Keeping it Positive!

I shared the link to the crossdresser’s reference page someplace online tonight, mentioning that if there were any suggestions for website additions that people please let me know. Then I thought it prudent to add something more to that statement. I would like to share that something more here now.

“In regard to the reference page, I am trying to keep it to things that are helpful without getting bogged down in the political stuff, so I did not include websites promoting political agendas or those lashing back at the non-trans population for being “privileged” in some way. The non-trans population had no more say in how their sexuality and identity developed than did any trans person. Therefore, I will not be part of promoting division, hatred, or notions of “privilege” between the two. Promoting such division will not further anyone’s cause. It will only serve as fuel for more violence and prejudice. Those are things we do NOT need more of in this world! What I think we need more of is the live and let live mentality where we do what is right for ourselves and stay out of the decision regarding what is right for our neighbor.

In other words, don’t submit these type of hateful pages for me to add because I won’t. I want helpful, positive resources only.” ~ Portia

One cannot convince another to accept one’s way of life if one is not also willing to accept the other’s way of life in return. It simply defies the laws of the universe.

An Easy BDSM DIY Gag

I saw this pacifier gag on Etsy, and thought, I could make that (pictured below)!

If you don’t have the time or patience for BDSM craft projects you could just order this item and be done with it, but I had just picked up a couple pacifiers for my dungeon, so I figured I would just make one into a gag.

I sat down with my tools, rivets and a very skinny belt only to realize my pacifier didn’t have the same slots as the one pictured on Etsy (above). Mine had smaller circular holes, so I would either have to cut slots in the plastic, or abandon the belt idea. I wasn’t in a patient mood, so I ditched the belt.

I decided to take a quicker, less pretty, but still functional route. Instead, I opted for paracord rope with a little plastic cincher like you find on jacket hoods. I could have done some nifty knot work along the sides, similar to a paracord bracelet, but again, I was not in a patient mood, so I just used a single paracord strand on each side. My crude, but functional version is pictured below.

You simply put the cord through the hole in whatever crude or fancy way you like, then measure the length of the paracord by putting it around your head to ensure it will fit around someone else’s head. Use a lighter to melt the ends of the paracord strands. Try to keep the ends of the melted paracord rope skinny so they will slip through the plastic cincher. Two strands of paracord through this type of plastic cincher can be a pretty tight fit. (If you heat it short bursts you won’t burn your finger while shaping the ends.) Once I threaded each paracord strand through the plastic cincher, I tied knots at the ends so they could not slip back through the clincher. That would be a time waster to re-thread during a session. I then heated my knots with a lighter to melt the knot a little. It is less likely to come untied that way. You could also dip the knots in a plasti-dip coating if you were so inclined. I wasn’t.

That’s it. You now have a pacifier that you can slip over your sub’s head and cinch up in a jiffy! No buckles, no incorrectly spaced holes. No need to add extra holes to the leather. Just zip it snug and move on. Easy peasy!

The cost to order the pretty version is $26.32 plus shipping. For mine, I obtained two pacifiers for $1 at Dollar Tree, you can also get 25ft of paracord there for $1. I already had a package of plastic cinchers I purchased from the sewing section in Michael’s. They are also available cheap on Amazon as seen on the picture below, or free if you take one off an old jacket hood. I’m going to guess my pacifier gag cost me about $3 (no shipping), with supplies leftover if I wanted to make more. : )

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